Missing the bus
Oct. 12th, 2011 07:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmaryrAnother Day, Another Dollar
I saw the bus rush right past the stop even as I ran to get there. The driver never hesitated; he saw no one at the stop and he flew into the right turn and was gone, with me left gazing at the advertising on the back. At that moment, I hated Smokey the Bear and hoped he burned in a forest fire lit by a cigarette thrown by a careless driver. Since most of the time a motivated turtle can outrun me, normally I got up early enough to stroll to the bus stop and be on time. Normally the bus was fifteen minutes late. So of course the day I'm five minutes late, the bus was right on time for the first time in the three months I'd used it.
I stood and gulped breath while I wondered what to do. The next bus arrived in two hours, and I could not afford to lose any time from work. Since I started student teaching, the boss cut me back to Saturdays. I was working the whole day, sure, but it was still a cut of four hours a week.
A job awaited me as soon as I got my teacher’s certificate. I just had to get through the next two months. My parents couldn’t help; Dad just lost his job and was getting unemployment. I was living with two other students in a duplex. They were scraping by just like I was. I had a student loan which would pay the rent, the dregs of my savings for gas and the utilities, but this job was paying for food. I couldn’t afford to miss so much as an hour. I was eating a lot of noodles as it was!
The bus had to run in a half-circle, hitting this same street in about a quarter mile. Running that quarter mile was the only chance I had to avoid eating cheap pasta three times a day for a week. I had not run that far since I got out of PE in high school. I can make it, I told myself. I have to.
I took a deep breath and started running. I ran out of sidewalk within about a hundred feet. Fortunately, the grass was not knee high here, and the morning was cool and crisp. Running on the grass slowed me a little, but finally I got to the strip mall, and there was sidewalk again. By this time the breath was burning in my throat, and I was heaving. I could see the bus approaching, and the image of monotonous meals helped me speed up.
The light was green as the bus approached the intersection. I kept running, but I was sure he would keep going like last time. All that work for nothing!
But this time I was in luck. This time, he had a stoplight and a left turn. The light went yellow, and the bus stopped. I made it across the street, and the door opened. Heaving, I dumped my coins in the box and trudged to a seat. Once I got to my stop, I still had a quarter mile walk to the store, where I would be on my feet all day, but I could live with that. I would get a full paycheck next week.
Another day, another dollar.
I saw the bus rush right past the stop even as I ran to get there. The driver never hesitated; he saw no one at the stop and he flew into the right turn and was gone, with me left gazing at the advertising on the back. At that moment, I hated Smokey the Bear and hoped he burned in a forest fire lit by a cigarette thrown by a careless driver. Since most of the time a motivated turtle can outrun me, normally I got up early enough to stroll to the bus stop and be on time. Normally the bus was fifteen minutes late. So of course the day I'm five minutes late, the bus was right on time for the first time in the three months I'd used it.
I stood and gulped breath while I wondered what to do. The next bus arrived in two hours, and I could not afford to lose any time from work. Since I started student teaching, the boss cut me back to Saturdays. I was working the whole day, sure, but it was still a cut of four hours a week.
A job awaited me as soon as I got my teacher’s certificate. I just had to get through the next two months. My parents couldn’t help; Dad just lost his job and was getting unemployment. I was living with two other students in a duplex. They were scraping by just like I was. I had a student loan which would pay the rent, the dregs of my savings for gas and the utilities, but this job was paying for food. I couldn’t afford to miss so much as an hour. I was eating a lot of noodles as it was!
The bus had to run in a half-circle, hitting this same street in about a quarter mile. Running that quarter mile was the only chance I had to avoid eating cheap pasta three times a day for a week. I had not run that far since I got out of PE in high school. I can make it, I told myself. I have to.
I took a deep breath and started running. I ran out of sidewalk within about a hundred feet. Fortunately, the grass was not knee high here, and the morning was cool and crisp. Running on the grass slowed me a little, but finally I got to the strip mall, and there was sidewalk again. By this time the breath was burning in my throat, and I was heaving. I could see the bus approaching, and the image of monotonous meals helped me speed up.
The light was green as the bus approached the intersection. I kept running, but I was sure he would keep going like last time. All that work for nothing!
But this time I was in luck. This time, he had a stoplight and a left turn. The light went yellow, and the bus stopped. I made it across the street, and the door opened. Heaving, I dumped my coins in the box and trudged to a seat. Once I got to my stop, I still had a quarter mile walk to the store, where I would be on my feet all day, but I could live with that. I would get a full paycheck next week.
Another day, another dollar.
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roll the dodos in with the edit wagon
Date: 2011-10-18 12:12 am (UTC)I stood and gulped breath
Is the character asthmatic? Why are they gulping air. For that matter, the story lover in me has a serious question. Why are they late for the bus? We know why they want to catch the bus. And understand in a way why they panicked for a moment before remembering the half-circle. And applaud them making it. But why were they late?
By this time the breath was burning in my throat, and I was heaving. I could see the bus approaching, and sped up.
I know this is picky. But it might provide more tension if you worked in how they managed to speed up. Having been a marathon runner I know there is a gathering of will before you make that final sprint. Or collapse, which I also did on occasion. But not your hero..huzzah!
Just minor stuff. Overall it was enjoyable. Good work.
Re: roll the dodos in with the edit wagon
Date: 2011-10-18 01:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 04:27 pm (UTC)What a splendid take on the prompt, and so well written. It had the crunch to start.. the omg bit and then... off she went... and oh thank goodness made it!
Smashing story. thanks so much for sharing!
Glad you liked it
Date: 2011-10-20 12:20 am (UTC)Re: Glad you liked it
Date: 2011-10-20 07:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 09:51 pm (UTC)I like how straightforward you handled the prompt with this, that you took the feeling talked about in the prompt line and simply decided to tackle it straight on. The pacing is very nicely done: you keep your focus on the situation at hand - the panic, the running, the inner feeling of pressure - but you also give us a bit of insight as to who this character is and why they are in such a hurry to get the bus, which gives the situation weight and rounds it up very nicely.
Going paragraph by paragraph, as usual, to point out what occurs to me and offering suggestions:
At that moment, I hated Smokey the Bear and hoped he burned in a forest fire lit by a cigarette thrown by a careless driver.
I really enjoyed that line, that very dark and snarky humor, really fits the situation.
a motivated turtle can outrun me,normally
Remember to put a space after a comma!
I stood and gulped breath.
I gotta agree with bardiphouka here - this line is kinda awkward; it feels alltogether too brief and stops me short. Maybe you could describe the sensation in a longer line?
Running that quarter mile was the only chance I had to avoid eating cheap pasta three times a day for a week.
*Really* like this line and the sense of urgency you've established here.
I was heaving. .
Spare periods! Get your spare periods here! ;)
I could see the bus approaching, and the image of monotonous meals helped me speed up.
Yet another nice line.
Very good last line to wrap this up and give all this a wistful, poetic note. Nicely done!
Thank you
Date: 2011-10-20 12:25 am (UTC)Thanks for the edit, I do appreciate the time it takes and I need the critique (though I like the compliments, too).
no subject
Date: 2011-10-22 11:43 pm (UTC)Thanks
Date: 2011-10-23 12:21 pm (UTC)