action scene- critique needed
May. 24th, 2013 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmaryrThis has been revised based on ledishae's helpful critique, but other comments/suggestions are welcome.
Chapter Fourteen
Two weeks later, I drove the golf cart down to the lake. As I removed the tarp from the cart and folded it to put in the back, I resented the computer error that sent me to the cafe for twelve hours. I took inventory the hard way, counting all the supplies by hand and correcting the system as I went. I wanted a moment of peace and quiet. James texted he would be a little late but he would bring dinner when he came. We didn’t have the geas set yet but on his last visit Randall promised that Maxwell would set mine and Eric would set James’.
It was a bright sunlit day. Clouds floated in the sky, occasionally moving over the sun and dimming the glare off the water. Standing on the dock, I contemplated the lily pads. I could just barely make out several houses in various stages of construction on the other short. Only about a quarter of the lots still remained on the market, most of them bordering the county land around this cove. I couldn’t see any of the completed houses, as lots with lake access sold first and the county refused to sell this little cove and the land around it. I enjoyed this little part of the lake just fine since I liked the water lilies, though the flowers weren’t out yet. Nobody else ever came here. The fishing was sorry because of the rampant plant growth, and nobody wanted to swim here for the same reason.
Suddenly I had company. A handsome dark-haired young man appeared beside me, wearing a grey jumpsuit and an arrogant expression. I recognized him, though the last time I saw him he was still a student wizard wearing black. “Congratulations on going up a level, Chester. Now go away unless you’ve had an attitude change. Or did you forget the rules saying you can’t come back to my home unless escorted? “He’d lasted less than an hour at the house before I threw him out, because he tried to order me and the other wizard students around. He had no idea who or what I was, since he was never chosen for whatever program Winston and Randall ran that brought them to me. He found the house when he followed some of the other students.
Chester smiled and clapped his hands before I breathed water, discovering too late I stood on the lake bottom with water over my head. In the next moment I knelt on the dock. As I hacked up water, he announced, “I am not in your home, you half-human mongrel,” just before he clapped his hands again.
Randall’s training kicked in, and I put a shield around myself just before I found myself in water again. When I reappeared beside him, he said, “You will learn who your betters are!” His gloating gave me a moment to get a deep breath, and this time I found myself in the water right by the dock where I could see him. I struck at him with my telekinesis, knocking him to his knees. Even with surprise I knew I only had seconds to get to a place where he couldn't see me. With no finesse or thought, I powered through the water and onto the shore under the dock. I panted in the mud as he jumped to his feet above me. “Come out, woman!” When he clapped his hands, the water roiled but I stayed where I was. ”Come out!” he shouted, panic creeping into his voice. “My mentor needs to speak to you. Come out!” He kept clapping, searching the water, never considering that I might have gotten to land.
I wanted to throw him down to the dock and slam his handsome face into the rough wood until blood and tears soaked it. I wanted to hear him scream. I wanted to hear bones break. Rage burned in me like a hot fire begging to spread, focused on my tormentor.
As I crawled from beneath the dock, he saw me, and all the arrogance came back. “So, you crawl to me now. Wise.” He walked down the dock to meet me. “My mentor needs a service from you after he binds the healer to him. You will address him as Master and give him proper respect. Do you understand?” I stood up and walked toward him. “Do you need another lesson in who is the stronger here, mongrel?” he snarled, and tried to clap his hands. I blocked them.
As I approached, he began to back up, as he looked from me to the hands that failed to meet. When he came to the end of the dock, he looked from me to the water and back. Desperation took over, and he rushed me. He ran into the shield I put up. He beat against it as I pushed him back, until he stood at the very edge of the pier. “This cannot happen!” he shrieked. “I am a wizard! You are human!” He went over the edge, and screamed incoherently.
That jolted me out back to reality. James! This mentor wanted James! Leaving the Grey hanging over the water, I plunged my hand into my pocket, but somewhere in the jolting back and forth I lost my cell phone. As I searched, Chester stopped making noise and waited, his breath coming hard and fast. Bringing him back to the dock, I said sweetly, “My dear Chester, I believe you said someone wanted to meet me. Where is he? I so look forward to speaking with him.” When he didn't speak fast enough, I started squeezing a delicate part of his anatomy with my jazz. He couldn’t babble fast enough after that.
I grabbed the tarp, wrapped Chester in it with his hands tight to his side, and threw him in the back of the golf cart before I took off for home. I abandoned the cart and its contents behind the garage and raced for the back door.
They stood in the back yard facing each other. James stood rigid, as though he wanted to move but couldn’t. Dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt, he held a Subway bag in one hand. The man facing him wore the most elegant clothes I ever saw on a wizard. The silk suit fit him like a glove and his white hair looked meticulously groomed. I could see him smiling and talking as he reached toward James. I couldn’t hear him. Even as I watched, he set one hand on the healer’s shoulder and reached for his ear.
I stopped halfway across the yard, trying to focus my jazz and catch my breath at the same time. Before I could do anything, Trey appeared and cannoned into James, taking all of them to the ground. In the next second, they all flickered, before the White stood facing Trey. Behind Trey, James shook his head as though coming out of a daze. “You dare to stop me?” the White snarled.
Trey said, “I will not let you take my son.” His voice quivered just a bit, but he stood firm. Neither of them saw me. James did, and his eyes widened before they flicked back to Constantine. “Randall forbade you to deal with humans.”
“If he is your son, then he is not human,” Constantine pointed out. “The Palace has need of healers, even if they are half-human mongrels. I intend to take him there.” He smiled, making me think of crocodiles. “Now move aside.” His voice held all the authority every White holds, and against it Trey visibly swayed. Alarmed, James moved up to steady him. When James touched him, his father straightened with more resolution. The White hissed in frustration. “Do you want to die, fool? Like the others who refused to see how weak we were becoming? The strong govern the weak or the weak die. Move aside!”
Trey moved, but not to gesture; he hurled himself at the White instead. “I will not let you kill my son the way you drove the other humans to their deaths,” he panted as they fought to use their own gestures while keeping the other from using his. James twitched as he watched, desperate to help. The two combatants tumbled around so much it was impossible to separate one from the other. Then they stilled, with Trey holding the White’s hands down on the ground. Trey started to swipe his thumb over his palm, but that moment of calm gave the White his chance. James rushed them, too late. In the next moment, the White stood with his clothes clean and neat as though he never touched the ground, while Trey still and quiet at his feet. James shouted something incoherent and dropped to his knees beside his father.
“He will not intervene further,” Constantine said. He reached out, one hand going to his ear while the other stretched towards James.
I knocked the White’s hands down from. “Hello, Constantine the White,” I said, in my sweetest voice. As the White turned to me, James grabbed Grey by the shoulders. “I understand you wanted to speak to me.” I stayed where I was, about fifteen feet or so from the three of them.
He regarded me with regal distain, taking in the mud and bits of water plant all over me. His white stood out against the red brick of the house, and in the evening sunlight the silk almost glowed. “There is some information hidden here that I want. You will wait while I deal with the healer. “He turned his attention back to James, only to see his quarry hauling his father toward the corner of the house as fast as he could. Constantine reached for his earlobe again, without success. When he tried to move toward them, he bumped into an invisible wall. His eyes narrowed, and he switched his attention to me. I did not move. “So, you do have some small ability,“ he mused. “Chester missed that. Which reminds me, where is my apprentice?”
“I’m afraid Chester is a little tied up right now,” I informed him. “But considering how he insisted on my presence, and seeing that this is my home, I believe I have a claim on your attention, do I not?” As I spoke, the cloud slid over the dimming sun, and his brightness dimmed.
“Do you now,” he said. I felt him gather his presence and bring it to bear the way a soldier readies a weapon. Certain that he held the upper hand, he focused on me as he had on Trey, and as I suspected he had on James. He gave me the smallest of amused smirks as he waited for me to react. He saw when I felt it, and the smile widened.
When sunlight is focused through a magnifying glass, fires start. The effect of his presence through that amusement produced the same effect on my temper, reigniting the rage Chester threw me in and that the danger to James dampened. But while I reacted to Chester’s antics, Constantine’s smug attitude created a kind of calculated rage, and the pressure of his will narrowed the target to this arrogant being in front of me. His smile faded when I refused to wilt, and I felt the pressure rise. He opened his mouth, and then shut it. I did not speak. The silence stretched as he tried his will against mine. Strain showed as he tried to move his arms. I kept them down. Slowly, deliberately, my lips rose and parted in what some people would call a smile, revealing most of my teeth. Juanita calls it my shark smile. As the sun sank, my shadow fell over him.
“What are you?” he demanded suddenly. “You’re more than Randall’s whore-“He stopped when his breath came out in a harsh ‘whoosh’. Shock spread over his face as he slammed against the brick, about a foot above the ground. He looked like a three dimensional mural, spread-eagled against the house like that, I thought distantly.
“How very rude,” I remarked, in my mild voice. I shook my head at him. For the first time, fright flickered over his face. “Randall has been a perfect gentleman during his visits. But I do realize we haven’t been introduced. I’m Nadine Blue. My father was Gregory Blue, formerly Gregory the Grey. But you knew that, didn’t you?”
“How can you be so strong? How can the product of a weak traitor like Gregory and his human whore-” He stopped with a grunt as I pulled him from the wall and slammed him back.
“My dear, dear sir,” I cooed, “I strongly recommend that you not refer to my parents in such a manner. Should you do so, I would be forced to express my distress in a more forceful manner. You do understand?” He spat something at me in his tonal language. I did not dare look away for more than two quick glances to each side, but I saw no one. “For your information, most humans believed my mother married below herself. “
His gaze focused behind me, and he barked something out in the tonal language the wizards used. I did not dare turn, but I didn't have to. Behind me, I heard Maxwell say, “Why should we? Too many of my students died in your ridiculously harsh trials. Even Adolph the Red said you were too harsh. ”
I backed up to where the teacher stood. “Maxwell, there’s a package you might want to unwrap in the back of the golf cart. Do be sure to ask the young man exactly what happened at the lake today.”
“Can’t you see she’s a danger to us all?” Constantine shouted. He struggled. I pressed harder, and he gasped for breath before I eased up. “You see what she does to me. To me! If she does this to me, what will she do to you?” I glanced back again, to see Maxwell’s back disappearing behind the garage. I turned back to Constantine, to see his eyes move to the side.
“Ha. We know what she can do. I say she has every right,” Eric said, and I glanced over to see him stalk around the corner of the house. “You sent your minion to subdue her, you threatened her friends, you insulted her parents. Didn't you always say that those who let humans hurt them deserved to what they got?” With that, he walked back around the corner of the house. Constantine looked after him, stunned into silence. For the first time he looked afraid.
“There’s a little problem with advocating the strong ruling the weak,” I informed Constantine cheerfully. I let him drop and walked up until we almost touched. He was just my own height. I said, very softly, “What happens when someone comes along who is stronger than you are, hmm?” I backed up, leaving him pressed against the wall.
“So what happens now?” my captive snarled, his handsome face twisted with hate. “Your energy is going to fail you sooner or later. How long before you have to let me go, mongrel? Do you think those two will protect you?”
“I would rather be my mother’s daughter than the wizard bogyman,” I said pleasantly. “But you are correct. I can’t keep you there forever. Can you give me a reason why shouldn’t I kill you right now?” I leaned hard on him. “Because, really, you don’t give me much of a choice here.” I stared at him, as the reality of his situation dawned on him. I let up a little.
“Gregory took research with him, important information I need. You have no need of it, you can’t read it. Let me find what I want, and I’ll leave you alone,” he panted. “I swear it. My word is binding.”
“To the letter, I’m sure,” I purred. “To the letter of what you can get away with. I’m so sorry, but considering what I’ve witnessed so far, I’m not especially impressed.” I saw him look behind me again, and he struggled hard. I pressed him back, trying to think.
Then two familiar hands fell on my shoulders and thumbs rubbed either side of my spine. “Nadine,” Randall said, loud enough that the White I held against the wall could hear him, “please let Constantine down. I promise I will deal with him.”
Relief sluiced through me. Behind me stood the one person who could handle a White with no problem. “Since you ask so nicely,” I conceded, and let go of both the White and my rage.
Constantine fell forward, and in the next moment, he gazed above my head. I felt the force of those two strong wills, but within a few moments Constantine lowered his eyes and slumped. “Remain there. Do not move,” the Red told him in a tightly controlled voice.
“He was looking for something,” I said. “You might want to ask him what it was. I don’t have a clue and I really need a bath.”
Chapter Fourteen
Two weeks later, I drove the golf cart down to the lake. As I removed the tarp from the cart and folded it to put in the back, I resented the computer error that sent me to the cafe for twelve hours. I took inventory the hard way, counting all the supplies by hand and correcting the system as I went. I wanted a moment of peace and quiet. James texted he would be a little late but he would bring dinner when he came. We didn’t have the geas set yet but on his last visit Randall promised that Maxwell would set mine and Eric would set James’.
It was a bright sunlit day. Clouds floated in the sky, occasionally moving over the sun and dimming the glare off the water. Standing on the dock, I contemplated the lily pads. I could just barely make out several houses in various stages of construction on the other short. Only about a quarter of the lots still remained on the market, most of them bordering the county land around this cove. I couldn’t see any of the completed houses, as lots with lake access sold first and the county refused to sell this little cove and the land around it. I enjoyed this little part of the lake just fine since I liked the water lilies, though the flowers weren’t out yet. Nobody else ever came here. The fishing was sorry because of the rampant plant growth, and nobody wanted to swim here for the same reason.
Suddenly I had company. A handsome dark-haired young man appeared beside me, wearing a grey jumpsuit and an arrogant expression. I recognized him, though the last time I saw him he was still a student wizard wearing black. “Congratulations on going up a level, Chester. Now go away unless you’ve had an attitude change. Or did you forget the rules saying you can’t come back to my home unless escorted? “He’d lasted less than an hour at the house before I threw him out, because he tried to order me and the other wizard students around. He had no idea who or what I was, since he was never chosen for whatever program Winston and Randall ran that brought them to me. He found the house when he followed some of the other students.
Chester smiled and clapped his hands before I breathed water, discovering too late I stood on the lake bottom with water over my head. In the next moment I knelt on the dock. As I hacked up water, he announced, “I am not in your home, you half-human mongrel,” just before he clapped his hands again.
Randall’s training kicked in, and I put a shield around myself just before I found myself in water again. When I reappeared beside him, he said, “You will learn who your betters are!” His gloating gave me a moment to get a deep breath, and this time I found myself in the water right by the dock where I could see him. I struck at him with my telekinesis, knocking him to his knees. Even with surprise I knew I only had seconds to get to a place where he couldn't see me. With no finesse or thought, I powered through the water and onto the shore under the dock. I panted in the mud as he jumped to his feet above me. “Come out, woman!” When he clapped his hands, the water roiled but I stayed where I was. ”Come out!” he shouted, panic creeping into his voice. “My mentor needs to speak to you. Come out!” He kept clapping, searching the water, never considering that I might have gotten to land.
I wanted to throw him down to the dock and slam his handsome face into the rough wood until blood and tears soaked it. I wanted to hear him scream. I wanted to hear bones break. Rage burned in me like a hot fire begging to spread, focused on my tormentor.
As I crawled from beneath the dock, he saw me, and all the arrogance came back. “So, you crawl to me now. Wise.” He walked down the dock to meet me. “My mentor needs a service from you after he binds the healer to him. You will address him as Master and give him proper respect. Do you understand?” I stood up and walked toward him. “Do you need another lesson in who is the stronger here, mongrel?” he snarled, and tried to clap his hands. I blocked them.
As I approached, he began to back up, as he looked from me to the hands that failed to meet. When he came to the end of the dock, he looked from me to the water and back. Desperation took over, and he rushed me. He ran into the shield I put up. He beat against it as I pushed him back, until he stood at the very edge of the pier. “This cannot happen!” he shrieked. “I am a wizard! You are human!” He went over the edge, and screamed incoherently.
That jolted me out back to reality. James! This mentor wanted James! Leaving the Grey hanging over the water, I plunged my hand into my pocket, but somewhere in the jolting back and forth I lost my cell phone. As I searched, Chester stopped making noise and waited, his breath coming hard and fast. Bringing him back to the dock, I said sweetly, “My dear Chester, I believe you said someone wanted to meet me. Where is he? I so look forward to speaking with him.” When he didn't speak fast enough, I started squeezing a delicate part of his anatomy with my jazz. He couldn’t babble fast enough after that.
I grabbed the tarp, wrapped Chester in it with his hands tight to his side, and threw him in the back of the golf cart before I took off for home. I abandoned the cart and its contents behind the garage and raced for the back door.
They stood in the back yard facing each other. James stood rigid, as though he wanted to move but couldn’t. Dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt, he held a Subway bag in one hand. The man facing him wore the most elegant clothes I ever saw on a wizard. The silk suit fit him like a glove and his white hair looked meticulously groomed. I could see him smiling and talking as he reached toward James. I couldn’t hear him. Even as I watched, he set one hand on the healer’s shoulder and reached for his ear.
I stopped halfway across the yard, trying to focus my jazz and catch my breath at the same time. Before I could do anything, Trey appeared and cannoned into James, taking all of them to the ground. In the next second, they all flickered, before the White stood facing Trey. Behind Trey, James shook his head as though coming out of a daze. “You dare to stop me?” the White snarled.
Trey said, “I will not let you take my son.” His voice quivered just a bit, but he stood firm. Neither of them saw me. James did, and his eyes widened before they flicked back to Constantine. “Randall forbade you to deal with humans.”
“If he is your son, then he is not human,” Constantine pointed out. “The Palace has need of healers, even if they are half-human mongrels. I intend to take him there.” He smiled, making me think of crocodiles. “Now move aside.” His voice held all the authority every White holds, and against it Trey visibly swayed. Alarmed, James moved up to steady him. When James touched him, his father straightened with more resolution. The White hissed in frustration. “Do you want to die, fool? Like the others who refused to see how weak we were becoming? The strong govern the weak or the weak die. Move aside!”
Trey moved, but not to gesture; he hurled himself at the White instead. “I will not let you kill my son the way you drove the other humans to their deaths,” he panted as they fought to use their own gestures while keeping the other from using his. James twitched as he watched, desperate to help. The two combatants tumbled around so much it was impossible to separate one from the other. Then they stilled, with Trey holding the White’s hands down on the ground. Trey started to swipe his thumb over his palm, but that moment of calm gave the White his chance. James rushed them, too late. In the next moment, the White stood with his clothes clean and neat as though he never touched the ground, while Trey still and quiet at his feet. James shouted something incoherent and dropped to his knees beside his father.
“He will not intervene further,” Constantine said. He reached out, one hand going to his ear while the other stretched towards James.
I knocked the White’s hands down from. “Hello, Constantine the White,” I said, in my sweetest voice. As the White turned to me, James grabbed Grey by the shoulders. “I understand you wanted to speak to me.” I stayed where I was, about fifteen feet or so from the three of them.
He regarded me with regal distain, taking in the mud and bits of water plant all over me. His white stood out against the red brick of the house, and in the evening sunlight the silk almost glowed. “There is some information hidden here that I want. You will wait while I deal with the healer. “He turned his attention back to James, only to see his quarry hauling his father toward the corner of the house as fast as he could. Constantine reached for his earlobe again, without success. When he tried to move toward them, he bumped into an invisible wall. His eyes narrowed, and he switched his attention to me. I did not move. “So, you do have some small ability,“ he mused. “Chester missed that. Which reminds me, where is my apprentice?”
“I’m afraid Chester is a little tied up right now,” I informed him. “But considering how he insisted on my presence, and seeing that this is my home, I believe I have a claim on your attention, do I not?” As I spoke, the cloud slid over the dimming sun, and his brightness dimmed.
“Do you now,” he said. I felt him gather his presence and bring it to bear the way a soldier readies a weapon. Certain that he held the upper hand, he focused on me as he had on Trey, and as I suspected he had on James. He gave me the smallest of amused smirks as he waited for me to react. He saw when I felt it, and the smile widened.
When sunlight is focused through a magnifying glass, fires start. The effect of his presence through that amusement produced the same effect on my temper, reigniting the rage Chester threw me in and that the danger to James dampened. But while I reacted to Chester’s antics, Constantine’s smug attitude created a kind of calculated rage, and the pressure of his will narrowed the target to this arrogant being in front of me. His smile faded when I refused to wilt, and I felt the pressure rise. He opened his mouth, and then shut it. I did not speak. The silence stretched as he tried his will against mine. Strain showed as he tried to move his arms. I kept them down. Slowly, deliberately, my lips rose and parted in what some people would call a smile, revealing most of my teeth. Juanita calls it my shark smile. As the sun sank, my shadow fell over him.
“What are you?” he demanded suddenly. “You’re more than Randall’s whore-“He stopped when his breath came out in a harsh ‘whoosh’. Shock spread over his face as he slammed against the brick, about a foot above the ground. He looked like a three dimensional mural, spread-eagled against the house like that, I thought distantly.
“How very rude,” I remarked, in my mild voice. I shook my head at him. For the first time, fright flickered over his face. “Randall has been a perfect gentleman during his visits. But I do realize we haven’t been introduced. I’m Nadine Blue. My father was Gregory Blue, formerly Gregory the Grey. But you knew that, didn’t you?”
“How can you be so strong? How can the product of a weak traitor like Gregory and his human whore-” He stopped with a grunt as I pulled him from the wall and slammed him back.
“My dear, dear sir,” I cooed, “I strongly recommend that you not refer to my parents in such a manner. Should you do so, I would be forced to express my distress in a more forceful manner. You do understand?” He spat something at me in his tonal language. I did not dare look away for more than two quick glances to each side, but I saw no one. “For your information, most humans believed my mother married below herself. “
His gaze focused behind me, and he barked something out in the tonal language the wizards used. I did not dare turn, but I didn't have to. Behind me, I heard Maxwell say, “Why should we? Too many of my students died in your ridiculously harsh trials. Even Adolph the Red said you were too harsh. ”
I backed up to where the teacher stood. “Maxwell, there’s a package you might want to unwrap in the back of the golf cart. Do be sure to ask the young man exactly what happened at the lake today.”
“Can’t you see she’s a danger to us all?” Constantine shouted. He struggled. I pressed harder, and he gasped for breath before I eased up. “You see what she does to me. To me! If she does this to me, what will she do to you?” I glanced back again, to see Maxwell’s back disappearing behind the garage. I turned back to Constantine, to see his eyes move to the side.
“Ha. We know what she can do. I say she has every right,” Eric said, and I glanced over to see him stalk around the corner of the house. “You sent your minion to subdue her, you threatened her friends, you insulted her parents. Didn't you always say that those who let humans hurt them deserved to what they got?” With that, he walked back around the corner of the house. Constantine looked after him, stunned into silence. For the first time he looked afraid.
“There’s a little problem with advocating the strong ruling the weak,” I informed Constantine cheerfully. I let him drop and walked up until we almost touched. He was just my own height. I said, very softly, “What happens when someone comes along who is stronger than you are, hmm?” I backed up, leaving him pressed against the wall.
“So what happens now?” my captive snarled, his handsome face twisted with hate. “Your energy is going to fail you sooner or later. How long before you have to let me go, mongrel? Do you think those two will protect you?”
“I would rather be my mother’s daughter than the wizard bogyman,” I said pleasantly. “But you are correct. I can’t keep you there forever. Can you give me a reason why shouldn’t I kill you right now?” I leaned hard on him. “Because, really, you don’t give me much of a choice here.” I stared at him, as the reality of his situation dawned on him. I let up a little.
“Gregory took research with him, important information I need. You have no need of it, you can’t read it. Let me find what I want, and I’ll leave you alone,” he panted. “I swear it. My word is binding.”
“To the letter, I’m sure,” I purred. “To the letter of what you can get away with. I’m so sorry, but considering what I’ve witnessed so far, I’m not especially impressed.” I saw him look behind me again, and he struggled hard. I pressed him back, trying to think.
Then two familiar hands fell on my shoulders and thumbs rubbed either side of my spine. “Nadine,” Randall said, loud enough that the White I held against the wall could hear him, “please let Constantine down. I promise I will deal with him.”
Relief sluiced through me. Behind me stood the one person who could handle a White with no problem. “Since you ask so nicely,” I conceded, and let go of both the White and my rage.
Constantine fell forward, and in the next moment, he gazed above my head. I felt the force of those two strong wills, but within a few moments Constantine lowered his eyes and slumped. “Remain there. Do not move,” the Red told him in a tightly controlled voice.
“He was looking for something,” I said. “You might want to ask him what it was. I don’t have a clue and I really need a bath.”
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Critique
Date: 2013-05-26 03:40 am (UTC)Firstly, you jump tense a lot. Read your second sentence: "I found the rain tarp I wrap it in underneath it, and threw it in the back."
Second in just this sentence, what was found?
Next, you mention working in a store and working from opening 'til close. Is this a store that opens early? A mall store that does not open until nearly noon? There is no context as to just how long this day was.
Also, you mention a geas. I don't know what that is. Is it tangible? And someone can set it, do you mean like a spell? A watch? Is it a machine?
In the second paragraph, fourth line, last word, you need 'shore' not 'short'. Just a typo.
I know that this is just a short segment, but you reference a lot of characters with no context. You introduce Chester, and mention he followed Xing. Is this Xing a person? A religion? Some newfangled facebook account Chester likes a lot?
In the fourth paragraph you say the water is shallow, I'm from the desert, so to me shallow water barely comes up to my ankles after a heavy rain in a very wet year. This idea of shallow water coming over a person's head seems very strange and almost alien.
Also, reread this section:
He smiled before I breathed water, discovering too late I stood on the shallow lake bottom with water over my head. In the next moment I knelt on the dock. As I hacked up the water, he announced, “I am not in your home, human,” just before he clapped his hands again.
Randall’s training kicked in, and I put a shield around myself just before I found myself in water again. When I reappeared beside him, he said, “You will learn who your betters are!” His gloating gave me a moment to get a deep breath, and this time I found myself in the water right by the dock where I could see him. I struck at him, and he fell.
1. If Chester is calling your character human, what is Chester?
2. What kind of training did Randall impart?
3. Chester claps his hands again. When did he clap them the first time?
4. You "struck at him", meaning Chester. How did you strike at him. With magic? With this gease? Was the attack physical? If this is a magical/power strike is there any light, or sound the combatants can recognize?
5. Chester fell, did he fall on his butt? To his knees? Did he fall hard, did he curse?
The fight scene is a little jerky, but overall it reads pretty well.
However, once the scene endw and Chester is having his delicate parts manhandled the story becomes vague again. At the beginning of this section you wrapped something in a tarp, now you grab the tarp and wrap Chester in it. What happened to whatever was wrapped in it in the first place?
And where did Gray come from?
If Gray and Constantine are wizards, and probably well trained if the reference to white is any indication, then why are they clumsy?
The battle of wills between Nadine and Constantine is quite riveting! She is strong, vulnerable, quick witted and ignorant of so much. She is complex enough to keep a reader interested but humble, and human enough to be believable. Constantine warring with her is not over done, but again so much of this segment is so vague.
Randall calls Constantine 'his wizard', so what is Randall? Is there something above a wizard? Are wizards and humans different races or do some humans posses wizard traits without being descendants?
You have a character named Gregory the Gray and another you refer to as Gray. Are these the same man? Is Gray a name or a reference to a power level?
What is James to Nadine? Is she involved with him or with Randall or both?
That's all my nit-picking for now. Let me know if anything does not make sense or if you need clarification.
Thank you for sharing.
Re: Critique
Date: 2013-05-26 12:49 pm (UTC)Re: Critique
Date: 2013-06-01 12:17 am (UTC)However there are a couple things that I am having a little trouble understanding: You interchange Trey and Gray during the confrontation with Constantine. I am assuming that Gray is his title/wizard level and Trey is his name. Please correct me if I am wrong.
Also, when Gray barrels into James to protect him from Constantine, I can't explain why, but every time I read that section I am left with the impression that Gray is a dog/wolf: 'Before I could do anything, Grey appeared and cannoned into James, taking all of them to the ground.'
And, 'A handsome dark-haired young man appeared beside me, wearing a Gray jumpsuit and an arrogant expression.' Is grey capitalized purposefully?
And, following are a few suggested corrections (corrections in parentheses):
Certain that he held the upper hand, he focused on me as he had on Trey, as I suspected he had on James. (add 'and' before 'as I suspected...')
But while I reacted to Chester’s antics, Constantine’s smug attitude created a kind of calculating rage, and the pressure of his will narrowed the target to this arrogant being in front of me. (Change calculating to calculated)
Great job so far!
Re: Critique
Date: 2013-06-01 02:11 am (UTC)Part of the problem is that this is a fragment of a much larger story. This is Chapter 14.
The power level of the wizard is reflected in his clothes, something made clear earlier in the story and the reason Nadine knew Chester went up a power level as soon as she saw him.
Trey used a physical attack against Constantine (both times) because it was the only option he, as a Grey, had against a White.
When I changed Grey's name to Trey I missed two; that's corrected.
Re: Critique
Date: 2013-06-01 05:48 am (UTC)Re: Critique
Date: 2013-06-01 04:47 pm (UTC)At this point, the novel is at 224 pages and needs a LOT of revision (there's not nearly enough action in the first part, to start with- I was having too much fun building the world.) I'm debating whether to do that with outtakes (going to third person and showing what's going on with the wizards)or staying with first person and speeding things up. If I do the outtakes, I'll post them and ask for critique to be sure they make sense, in that what's in my head comes out on the page.
Re: Critique
Date: 2013-06-02 12:51 am (UTC)